Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Running from your problems is cardio .
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.