If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Tuesday
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.