Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
SF is the wild wild west man
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
this was the best i’ve ever seen