Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
found this cool rock hiking today
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.