*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died