Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.