I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
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3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
if i ask for your hoodie itâs not because i like you, itâs for witchcraft.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you canât figure out if you like it or not
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually donât see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, canât stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, thereâs this plutoniumâŚ
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years Iâve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if theyâre just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Wife: I canât remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. Sheâs very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My son đđ˝ââď¸was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” đ I told him they were water. đŚ Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I donât want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word âhullabaloo.â
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
âIâm just gonna goâ, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasnât coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Donât go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
This tweet lives in my head rent free.