My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.