It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Sign at work today
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.