[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
You Might Also Like
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging