Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.