I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
nice challenge
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Every photo I’m tagged in
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
それは草
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Traveler’s camo
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS