A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.