Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Doggies just call it style.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?