game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist