Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“I FIXED IT!”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
when mom throws a party…