“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I need a headline like this
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir