“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.