think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?