I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You Might Also Like
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: