Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
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Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
getting groceries
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon