Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.