house sitting!
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
This could be us but you eatin’
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.