normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.