OKAY DAD
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.