Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.