Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You Might Also Like
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have