first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
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[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
no regrets