My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house