Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
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If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.