[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Seems a bit forward
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.