{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!