the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
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Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Animal poetry
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying