Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant