Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
#dalle2
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Never be a pizza!
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
when someone compliments me
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Always a metermaid never a meter
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.