Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Legend 🤣🤣
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good