It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
where do you see yourself in five years?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.