I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
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it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.