i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast