Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable