People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
what kind of cook setting is this??
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”