I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You Might Also Like
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.