My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away