CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”