Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
i really liked this one
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
People buying plungers never look happy.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again