My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You Might Also Like
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Hmmmmm
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king