Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?