My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Stop being racist to kettles.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I mean…but I did
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.