JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.