her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
any last words?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover